Is it just who I am?

It’s been so long! I was worried they’d closed my blog down. But apparently they don’t do that. In any case… it’s been so long because I’ve been too lazy to write. But in the meantime, I have been flattered to learn that people actually missed my blog during its hibernation phase. So writing with renewed vigour, here I am…
A lot has happened, but I had this funny thought today so I'll just write about that. There are a lot of times in life when we decide to change certain things about ourselves. There are self-help books, spiritual Gurus, TV evangelists, inspiring quotations and what-not that try and coax us to do things like rid ourselves of anger, cleanse ourselves of feelings like greed, jealousy, to forgive and forget, to be calm and peaceful, and other such things which constitute the better lot of this world. There have been many times in the recent past when I have sworn I am going to be a calmer, more even-tempered person. I have made up my mind to be consciously less aggressive, be more tolerant and argue less etc. But I couldn’t help but wonder today (while I was reading a part in In Cold Blood where this chap who is an ardent Christian is in prison, and is lecturing this other guy on how he should rid himself of the ill-will he feels towards people who are happy) whether we can actually consciously change these things about ourselves. I mean, if you have a jealous temperament, or get angry quickly, what you can do at best is not show it when you feel it. Beyond that, is it really in your hands to do something about it? If you force yourself to remain calm in situations that ordinarily merit a major lashing-out, will being a neutral human being become part of your essential character? Can you really make not feeling envy or greed a habit? Isn't it something that comes way to naturally to us for us to mess with and alter? In an earlier post, I remember describing the physically torturous aspect of feeling jealousy... how do you rid yourself of that clutching feeling in your stomach and that hot feeling in your throat and under your nose?

I probably sound very demoralizing to any of you who are intending to effect a major life-change, and am undoing the good work that several old men (and women) before me have done. But I really can’t help thinking that at best, we can delude the people around us, and with great difficulty (perhaps) ourselves, but can even constant efforts to stop feeling something or start feeling something become a part of who we are? Just a curious little thought…