Sunday, September 30, 2007

Home again

A non-whiny blog entry is what I'm attempting here. Cuz believe it or not, right now, I'm perfectly perfectly happy. I'm at's the first day, so no troubles have begun yet. We're going out for dinner tonight..a belated birthday celebration. Reminds me of those days in Bombay..dinners with the family every other week. It's kinda funny you know.. the days when you've got a smaller house, not so much money, crunches here and there..those are really the nicest days. I suppose it's because those are the days you have time for people.

I love it this way also, though. Nostalgia's one thing. The present's pretty ok today. And I'm savouring every moment. This is probably my last every vacation. The next few will be busy. And then I'll have to start working. Wow!'s good. No work. Nothing to worry about in the near future. I feel light and free (I sound like a shady girly song now). Sipping the tea and having besan ka halwa (you must try it if you haven't had it). Just doing my thing. Taking in the feeling of being home. Being content. Aah..:-)

Thursday, September 20, 2007

A Note on Someone

I suppose it's once in a lifetime that you meet someone who understands you. In 20 years (yes, this is also to draw attention to the fact that I turned 20 recently), I've met just one person who understands me almost completely. Unfortunately though, like I keep telling him, I don't think he can ever appreciate me.

Friends are weird creatures. They come in all kinds of packages, sustain all sorts of temperaments and contribute in their own significant or not-so-significant way to life. But something I believe is common to all friends anyone will have will be that that friend should have a minimal understanding of the person concerned. If anything, that's probably the foundation. I've been lucky in that respect. I've had a bunch of friends who've all understood me pretty well, more often than not. But like I said, it's ever so rarely that there is that one person who knows you through and through, can almost always correctly predict what you'll feel. They say that when you meet such a person, with whom you have such a cherished equation, you should grab him with both hands.

But you know, sometimes it's this perfection that ruins the picture. It is this kind of complete understanding that slowly wears down fragments of the relationship. Something similar has happened in my case. Things happened too late. Understanding notwithstanding, acting on that understanding happened too late. There is too much criticism and inherent dislike for whatever is understood. A strange concoction of love and abhorrence. Leaving me afraid all the time as to which one will prevail on a given occasion, on a given day. Probably understanding too much is the natural precursor to contempt. One of life's little ironies, I suppose, to use the overused phrase.

That being the introduction, I really don't know how to get to actually describing this person. An entry on him has been pending for a while, and since this is my first entry on an individual, I assume that this person is flattered. Whenever I think of him, the first word that comes to my mind is supportive. For the time that I've known him, I can't think of a single incident when he has let me down. When I've needed to talk or cry or 'analyze' things when he hasn't been there. All right, there have been stray occassions, but they've cost us both and our relationship severely, and those aren't the prevalent memories. He always listents, always advices. It may not be a practicable or empathetic solution, but the fact that he offers a solution after a genuinely interested round of listening is enough. I think this is his greatest gift. He can actually make a problem seem simpler, a situation seem so much lighter. He has recently taken to doing small special things, being very thoughtful. I don't think it comes very naturally to him, but he's doing it for me now. Which is really touching.

Naturally, there are downsides. What hurts the most is the utter lack of the ability to relate or appreciate. That apart, shades of insecurity and very, very violent tempers sparsely hidden cast dark clouds. The funnt thing is, though there have been so, so many occassions when we've been together, I can't think of a single time which is either all happy or all sad. It's all...grey, in a way. Which isn't a bad thing, the way I mean it. All I'm saying is it's complicated..nothing seems simple anymore. And neither of us are helping that.

Sometimes I think I'll probably end up marrying him. For the simple reason that I know I'll never meet another person who understands me this way. Don't ask me how I know; it's just an instinct. But I think we'll drive each other crazy after a point. We differ on too many basics, as he had once said. Either way, I wanna make this a little dramatic, and thank him for every time he has unquestioningly been there for me, has patiently listened to me whining about the same things again and again. There's a lot more to him, there's a lot more to us. Both good and bad. But this is all I'll say for now.