Sunday, June 24, 2007

Zup Zup zUp

I'm really bored. Am in law school..for stupid exams. It's really sad studying for 60 marks papers. I didn't think law school could get any more depressing..but trust me, it happens to be at its worst when you're not in the hostel, with friends, and see random people crawling all over the place. Feeling really lonely, and well, it's not just because of the lack of physical presence of people around me.

But before I turn this into a whiny blog where I cry my stupid heart out, I'll write some thing nice. Something nice..nice nice nice..blah. Nothing as of now. There's nothing that isn't upsetting me and making me feel uneasy (that funny feeling in the stomach..dunno what I'm nervous about!)

Has anyone paid careful attention to the song 'Chhod aaye hum' from's got this lovely line- 'Ek chhota sa lamha hai, jo khatm nahi hota..main laakh manaata hun, yeh bhasm nahi hota'. Very heavy, but dunno why I've been reflecting a lot on it of late.

Came across this picture of the Madhurai temple..Really liked it for some reason. Kind of evoked something in it is.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Orkut Judgementalism

Something I realized today while orkutting (I hate the stupid thing..hate it too much to even wanna bother's really annoying, the blue) is that the first thing I look at while checking out a profile, even before the 'about me' column, is the books the person reads. It's a strange sort of judgementalism (is that a word? think so..). Nothing intentional. It's not like I judge people by the books they read, or calculate their intelligence in light of the books they read, or evaluate people according to how intelligent the books they read reflect them to be. All right..maybe a teensy-weensy bit. But it's not the 'being judgemental' that arouses my interest tonight (or to-morning..aah, good old today: sorry, I'm bored). It's the 'being judgemental so naturally' that surprises me. It's almost like I'm trained to do it. Open a profile page, scroll down to books, and either dismiss the person as being an idiot, or deem the person worthy of conversation entered into by yours truly. Now, don't get me wrong here. It's not like I'm trying to say that I've read all the best books ever written, or that I've got an undisputably good taste in books. It's just a weird sense of labelling what I like as the 'right books', which ought to have been read. Especially if I know you through Orkut and Orkut alone. Even if I know you, your books column will help me form my final judgement of you. It's kinda unfair, I know. It makes me feel a little guilty also, every time I do it. I ought to give people a chance even if they don't read what I think is 'intelligent'. But then, do people who read badly-written, facile nonsense deserve a chance? Oh..oops...

Ever Felt Unwanted?

That's a horribly dramatic title, I know. But I've put it there to make you read this post. I rarely ever care whether my blog is read, whether my posts are commented upon. But today, for some reason, I want to be heard. I feel like being read, and being understood. And (sorry for the touch of drama again) being loved. I feel like signing into some randon chatroom and talking to random people, for strangers are always interested in listening to you, especially if your ASL reads 19/F/Delhi. For some reason, today, I feel like noone wants to listen to a word I say, noone is interested in anything I do. That everything I do is wrong or a social blunder in some way or the other. So much so that for the first time in a long, long time (so long that I don't think there's been another one), I feel like a burden. I feel horrible under-confident and beaten.
I hate books that start with a character who blames his or her parents for an entire lifetime of failure. I hate rappers and strippers who blame their parents shortcomings as being good bringers-up for the professions they've ultimately chosen or been forced into. I hate movies and friends and every other creature who whines along the same lines.. I hate people who've failed and point fingers at their progenitors and childhood for their failure. Admittedly, childhood's that time of your life when your everything's formed. But that's really no excuse. Because if you're smart enough to blame them, you know you're treading on the wrong path somewhere. And if you're not strong enough to correct it, while knowing that you ought to, I'm sorry ladies and gentlemen, but there we have a loser. I don't believe that misunderstoof teenagers have to end up without a sense of self-righteousness. Cuz honestly, if you don't have the sense or the character to help yourself, my dear, I don't think you'd have ended up some place better if you'd had an angel for your father.
Anyway, I digress in anger. I don't like kids who blame their parents and upbringing. And I've had nothing to blame in my parents or my childhood. I've almost perfect parents (the almost is there to satisfy one's belief in there being a final, ultimate, unreachable degree of perfection). And I don't blame them for a thing. In fact, I think I've turned out quite all right. Because, though I might sound terribly vain saying this, I really was (am, I think) an almost perfect kid. I've answered my parents back on occasions that can be counted in single digits, being less than 5. I've never fought with them, or demanded anything from them. Never, ever asked for anything, threw a tantrum. I've very, very rarely disobeyed them, and even them, squirmed so much under the guilt of it that I was better off not doing those things. I've never burdened them with worries about my academic life, or smoking, alcohol or drugs. I've done the things I'd promised them I'd do. I have never, ever, ever let them down, in terms of academics or CV achievements. Additionally, I relate to them very well. My mom, especially. I talk to her all the time, share most things with her. We have a very good relationship. Not at all like those cranky teenage daughters and I-have-no-time-for-you mothers. We've always had time, or made it. There's a lot more I do which I think most parents want from their kids. For a very long time, I've flattered myself to believe that I'm a perfect daughter.
And, I don't mean to sound bitter or complaining here, but some times I can't help but wonder where I went wrong. My family thinks I'm indifferent to it..that I don't 'love them'. When I'm the most homesick kid around in college. I don't mean to whine here, but I really don't think my parents ever really understood me. It's probably my fault..I've always displayed a very limited facet of myself at home..and that's the one they're acquainted with. I don't have any of the standard teenage qualms. They don't pressurize me or stress me out, they don't ask me to do this-that and the other, they don't nag me.They're appropriately proud of me, very, very aware of what I want, do everything for me. I'm not complaining here. I simply don't think they understand me. Sometimes I get this very scary feeling that they just don't know who I am. That they know me at a very superficial level, and would be shocked if they scratch the surface. Despite my act, I have some times tried to let down my guard and show them a bit of myself; but it's always been met with such hostile disapproval and disdain that I don't feel like risking it anymore. I've never been rude to a relative, especially not to someone who's older than I. One incident of rudeness (hardly even was an academic debate which was turned acromonious by the other party), and I am reprimanded and asked to shut up. Ok..we know you're right, but shut up. Excuse me, why? I thought we ought to stand up for what we believe in and blah. Yeah, but not to 'elders'. 'Respect your elders'. I've always fucking respected them. But one episode erases all memory of an unblemished record. It's bloody pointless, having a clean record, if you ever happen to slip, it's all in the bin anyway. But I'm ranting again.
Point is, I don't like it. I'm really, really unhappy (I do sound really sad, don't I). But really..this isn't meant to be one of those 'I'm depressed and on pills so plis help or I'll commit suicide' pleas. In fact this isn't a plea at all. I've changed my mind. I hope noone reads this.
For once, I feel friend-less. Don't know why. But I think I'm nothing but a burden on friends as well. They've got to invest way to much in terms of listening to me. All right, it's quid pro quo, but I don't like it even this way. Poor babies. But that's tolerable..I've never needed a support system because I had my family to fall back on. Even if I don't share my troubles with them, I know they are there, and they love me in an unconditional, unquestioning, non-quid pro quo sort of way. They don't judge, or listen. They just accept. Somehow, today, I feel like a burden on my family as well. Not financially or emotionally or anything. Simply like..a tumour. An excess they don't require or appreciate, but simply tolerate. Don't know why, really. It's just a feeling. Like they'd be happier if I was still in college, not bothering them with my presence (or existence?). It's a bad feeling. Leaves a heavy sort of feeling in the heart region. Unpopular, disliked, slimed. Those are one thing. Lonely, friendless, unloved. I can deal with those if I have to. But unwanted?