Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Ever Felt Unwanted?

That's a horribly dramatic title, I know. But I've put it there to make you read this post. I rarely ever care whether my blog is read, whether my posts are commented upon. But today, for some reason, I want to be heard. I feel like being read, and being understood. And (sorry for the touch of drama again) being loved. I feel like signing into some randon chatroom and talking to random people, for strangers are always interested in listening to you, especially if your ASL reads 19/F/Delhi. For some reason, today, I feel like noone wants to listen to a word I say, noone is interested in anything I do. That everything I do is wrong or a social blunder in some way or the other. So much so that for the first time in a long, long time (so long that I don't think there's been another one), I feel like a burden. I feel horrible under-confident and beaten.
I hate books that start with a character who blames his or her parents for an entire lifetime of failure. I hate rappers and strippers who blame their parents shortcomings as being good bringers-up for the professions they've ultimately chosen or been forced into. I hate movies and friends and every other creature who whines along the same lines.. I hate people who've failed and point fingers at their progenitors and childhood for their failure. Admittedly, childhood's that time of your life when your everything's formed. But that's really no excuse. Because if you're smart enough to blame them, you know you're treading on the wrong path somewhere. And if you're not strong enough to correct it, while knowing that you ought to, I'm sorry ladies and gentlemen, but there we have a loser. I don't believe that misunderstoof teenagers have to end up without a sense of self-righteousness. Cuz honestly, if you don't have the sense or the character to help yourself, my dear, I don't think you'd have ended up some place better if you'd had an angel for your father.
Anyway, I digress in anger. I don't like kids who blame their parents and upbringing. And I've had nothing to blame in my parents or my childhood. I've almost perfect parents (the almost is there to satisfy one's belief in there being a final, ultimate, unreachable degree of perfection). And I don't blame them for a thing. In fact, I think I've turned out quite all right. Because, though I might sound terribly vain saying this, I really was (am, I think) an almost perfect kid. I've answered my parents back on occasions that can be counted in single digits, being less than 5. I've never fought with them, or demanded anything from them. Never, ever asked for anything, threw a tantrum. I've very, very rarely disobeyed them, and even them, squirmed so much under the guilt of it that I was better off not doing those things. I've never burdened them with worries about my academic life, or smoking, alcohol or drugs. I've done the things I'd promised them I'd do. I have never, ever, ever let them down, in terms of academics or CV achievements. Additionally, I relate to them very well. My mom, especially. I talk to her all the time, share most things with her. We have a very good relationship. Not at all like those cranky teenage daughters and I-have-no-time-for-you mothers. We've always had time, or made it. There's a lot more I do which I think most parents want from their kids. For a very long time, I've flattered myself to believe that I'm a perfect daughter.
And, I don't mean to sound bitter or complaining here, but some times I can't help but wonder where I went wrong. My family thinks I'm indifferent to it..that I don't 'love them'. When I'm the most homesick kid around in college. I don't mean to whine here, but I really don't think my parents ever really understood me. It's probably my fault..I've always displayed a very limited facet of myself at home..and that's the one they're acquainted with. I don't have any of the standard teenage qualms. They don't pressurize me or stress me out, they don't ask me to do this-that and the other, they don't nag me.They're appropriately proud of me, very, very aware of what I want, do everything for me. I'm not complaining here. I simply don't think they understand me. Sometimes I get this very scary feeling that they just don't know who I am. That they know me at a very superficial level, and would be shocked if they scratch the surface. Despite my act, I have some times tried to let down my guard and show them a bit of myself; but it's always been met with such hostile disapproval and disdain that I don't feel like risking it anymore. I've never been rude to a relative, especially not to someone who's older than I. One incident of rudeness (hardly even was an academic debate which was turned acromonious by the other party), and I am reprimanded and asked to shut up. Ok..we know you're right, but shut up. Excuse me, why? I thought we ought to stand up for what we believe in and blah. Yeah, but not to 'elders'. 'Respect your elders'. I've always fucking respected them. But one episode erases all memory of an unblemished record. It's bloody pointless, having a clean record, if you ever happen to slip, it's all in the bin anyway. But I'm ranting again.
Point is, I don't like it. I'm really, really unhappy (I do sound really sad, don't I). But really..this isn't meant to be one of those 'I'm depressed and on pills so plis help or I'll commit suicide' pleas. In fact this isn't a plea at all. I've changed my mind. I hope noone reads this.
For once, I feel friend-less. Don't know why. But I think I'm nothing but a burden on friends as well. They've got to invest way to much in terms of listening to me. All right, it's quid pro quo, but I don't like it even this way. Poor babies. But that's tolerable..I've never needed a support system because I had my family to fall back on. Even if I don't share my troubles with them, I know they are there, and they love me in an unconditional, unquestioning, non-quid pro quo sort of way. They don't judge, or listen. They just accept. Somehow, today, I feel like a burden on my family as well. Not financially or emotionally or anything. Simply like..a tumour. An excess they don't require or appreciate, but simply tolerate. Don't know why, really. It's just a feeling. Like they'd be happier if I was still in college, not bothering them with my presence (or existence?). It's a bad feeling. Leaves a heavy sort of feeling in the heart region. Unpopular, disliked, slimed. Those are one thing. Lonely, friendless, unloved. I can deal with those if I have to. But unwanted?


Anonymous said...

Watch Rajnikanth's Sivaji!! Enjoy life!! [:P]

Anamika said...

u broke my heart!
I am goddamn 19/f too! i do wish u could have been 19/m! why why why God? why?
n I honestly dun know, i may have happily dropped by your blog n said something earlier.. but i dun think so..
n hey thanks for coming by my blog..

I am well, 19/f/chennai or jodhpur, chennai being hometown, jodhpur, being the nlu-j place.. let's be buddies! n heck i care like mad if someone's readin my blog n all.. all that angst.. shouldn't go unheard.. what a waste of feelings..


Bhavya said...

@ anonymous- is that u hedge? does that movie have subtitles? am feeling better today though..:-))

@anamika- oh!your post sounded to close home, I thought u were talking bout NLS. I suppose the plight's same in these laa skools across the country. Might sound weird, but I swear I wished u male too, when I read your blog. I'd have given you very serious thought:-)

Anonymous said...

hey there..
just wanted to say that there have been moments in my life when i have felt somwhat the same..which reminds me of the bit in oliver's story(everyone in the world agrees that its really shady, i think) when some says says referring to oliver that it's just a mistake..(oliver ofcourse instinctively responds "no i'm parents wanted me"..but he wouldnt ahd he been in my state of mind..) and i've always felt these where those tiny,smal, important moments which were moments of realisation which u must hold on to or they ll disappear..cause its supposed to be like one of those flagposts in ur life where u just stand and stare and go on(never knew a day would come when i'd quote milton like this)...but then there are thjose other moments which i come across (which i m sure u do too, being the almost perfect daughter that u are) where i feel appreciated, and wanted and cherished..and i should remember that these are the moments i need to hold on to..(i dont alwasy, the reflection of which can be seen in the weltzmeirsch[one of segal's pet words,(man, am i high on shady books or wat..u re not gonna judge me by it, are you? referring to ur next entry] of my life...

well...wat i am straining to that i m sure there are those who, let alone be bothered by ur presence..or ur very existence...might actually cherish it..

and that is a little more imposrtant i think, dont u agree with me??

and u being, 19/f/del i dont think will appreciate shivaji(yes, even with subtitles)we north indians cant i think..apart from a few exceptions here and there...
but hedge or whoever posted that, i think may be one of those who agree with with respect to wat was said in the previous stanza..


19??? :-O Ahem ahem .. sorry, but this is my initial reaction .. haven't read the rest of it yet!

Bhavya said...

@ me-moi-myself- yeah..19..did u think I was younger?
man..I did rant on that night, didn't I?!

Bhavya said...

@ anonymous- who're you?anyone I know? you sound a lot like someone I know..but then your style, at some points, seems alien.

Yeah..I do agree that those are the moments we ought to hold on to. As the Chinese proverb goes (I'm following the quoting trend), a compliment can keep you warm for 3 months (all right..this is shady, but you get the picture). But then there are times when you can't help but despair, cuz though you might remember the moments someone wanted or needed or cherished you, the present weighs down way too heavily to be ignored.
Any don't worry..I won't judge you harshly for reading Oliver's tells me that u've read 'love story'..which is a good thing:-)


U sound like an aunt .. forget 19 ... :-P

Bhavya said...

What're you saying?! I thought I sounded all young and fresh..sigh..