Fifth Year. Wow! Some how, all through the last four years, I never really thought the day would come. I mean, it was somewhere far off in the distant future. But actually getting there never seemed a realistic possibility. I am just so bowled over now :D
(Of course, I still have to pass all four courses of this trimester. Sigh..)
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
The Only Constant Thing
I realized something funny the other day (it’s exam time, which explains all the deep and unrelated-to-syllabus philosophizing). It’s something I have observed about my time in law school, but I guess it holds true for most other places, and the larger picture of life also.
When I came into law school, I was all energetic and enthusiastic about my relationships with people, anxious to make a good impression, anxious to make good friends, genuinely concerned about the lives and worries of all people I associated with. I took it upon myself to make the lives of people I was close to better. I also came across people who I thought would need my help, and tried to make their lives better, bring about a change. I realize how presumptuous I sound, and I guess I was, back then. But the intentions were genuinely honest. I believed I could make things better, make people happier. And I zealously embarked on this mission of bringing about change.
Sometime in the middle, after having been faced by disappointment on several counts (not the least for the basic stupidity of my mission and my pompous assumption that I had it in me to change everyone around me according to what I felt they needed), the tempo of my spree slowed down considerably. I then started to focus on people who asked for my help.
As would be evident to the reader from the general tenor of this post, even this was rather unsuccessful an attempt. I slowly started coming to terms with the fact that most people didn’t want to change. And that perhaps I was flawed myself in too many ways to actually have the ability to change them.
After this came a phase where I tried to hold on to the person I was, ensure that I didn’t change into something I had never been and didn’t want to be. I would tenaciously hold on to the person I was pre-law school, the person who I thought was nicer and pleasanter than the person circumstances were pushing me into becoming. If you look back at this blog, I guess you can see a lot of reflections of this thought. About how I did not want to become an escapist, about how I could see through the shallow, ill-tempered, aggressive person I was fast becoming.
In the last phase, it’s largely exhaustion I felt from trying to hold on for so long. So I let go. I don’t know if I managed to change anyone, I don’t know if I retained any part of what I used to be, but what I do know is that change is inevitable, and I learnt that it’s most often changes in you that you observe over time. From fighting to change others, to fighting change in myself, I have finally come to terms with, or at least acknowledged, that it’s finally I who is now different. For better or for worse.
When I came into law school, I was all energetic and enthusiastic about my relationships with people, anxious to make a good impression, anxious to make good friends, genuinely concerned about the lives and worries of all people I associated with. I took it upon myself to make the lives of people I was close to better. I also came across people who I thought would need my help, and tried to make their lives better, bring about a change. I realize how presumptuous I sound, and I guess I was, back then. But the intentions were genuinely honest. I believed I could make things better, make people happier. And I zealously embarked on this mission of bringing about change.
Sometime in the middle, after having been faced by disappointment on several counts (not the least for the basic stupidity of my mission and my pompous assumption that I had it in me to change everyone around me according to what I felt they needed), the tempo of my spree slowed down considerably. I then started to focus on people who asked for my help.
As would be evident to the reader from the general tenor of this post, even this was rather unsuccessful an attempt. I slowly started coming to terms with the fact that most people didn’t want to change. And that perhaps I was flawed myself in too many ways to actually have the ability to change them.
After this came a phase where I tried to hold on to the person I was, ensure that I didn’t change into something I had never been and didn’t want to be. I would tenaciously hold on to the person I was pre-law school, the person who I thought was nicer and pleasanter than the person circumstances were pushing me into becoming. If you look back at this blog, I guess you can see a lot of reflections of this thought. About how I did not want to become an escapist, about how I could see through the shallow, ill-tempered, aggressive person I was fast becoming.
In the last phase, it’s largely exhaustion I felt from trying to hold on for so long. So I let go. I don’t know if I managed to change anyone, I don’t know if I retained any part of what I used to be, but what I do know is that change is inevitable, and I learnt that it’s most often changes in you that you observe over time. From fighting to change others, to fighting change in myself, I have finally come to terms with, or at least acknowledged, that it’s finally I who is now different. For better or for worse.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
I signed the contract. I am officially employed. After 2 years of almost sleepless nights. YAY!!
I have a job.
I have a job.
Monday, May 4, 2009
The morning after, one can't but help but be grateful that there wasn't a gun in the drawer of one's desk.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Thank You (For lack of a more innovative title)
Having friends does not necessarily mean that those people are your well-wishers. Friends come in different packages, and I have had the good fortune (I guess) to have been associated with both varieties of friends- those who wish me well constantly, and those who have a slightly more competitive edge and are not purely routing for me. I would like to thank most deeply and pay a tribute to the former category of people, who have made more of a difference in my life than I think even they are aware of.
While I might come across to most as an extremely self-assured person, like most people (again, a guess) I have significant moments of self-doubt. Something people who know me (ever slightly) are very aware of is that I am an extremely anxious and tense person, especially with respect to results/outcomes/end-products of my attempts. In a place like law school, where we are constantly exposed to ups and downs, I think this trait in me has been enhanced and exhibited more frequently than ever before. I sincerely want to thank all those people who have stood by me and supported me in situations where I had very little faith in myself. In particular, I want to thank some special, who from as far as I can think back, has always been there for me. And by being there for me, I don’t just mean it in a sense where his emotional support has backed me through all my pursuits. He has physically been present through some of the most trying moments in law school. He has listened to me whine endlessly about how stressed I am about something, sometimes offering advice, sometimes just suggesting I calm down, and most of the times, just silently listening to me vent. He has held my hand through the declaration of results, calmed me down when I have failed and cheered me on with pure goodwill and absolutely no envy or tinge of competitiveness when I have succeeded. Something which might not seem like such a big deal, but has meant the most out of all these things he has done to me is the fact that whenever I have tackled any of these difficult situations, it has always been with the arrangement that I will meet him immediately after it. After the most disastrous moot oral round that I have had, he was waiting for me and we were to go for dinner. For a job interview which I was mortified about and right before which, my self-confidence had been torn to shreds, he chose to accompany me, which was completely unexpected. It means the world to me that during the oral round, I had the comforting thought that I just had to get through those messy twenty minutes, and I would be with him and could pour my heart to him about it. During my job interview, the fact that he was just outside the door and I would be able to tell him all about it in a matter of minutes after the interview was something that filled me with a sense of security. I don’t really know how to describe it, but his mere physical presence in the vicinity, or the assurance that he would be with me right after I got over with the ordeal and it was just in a matter of minutes that I would be in his comforting presence is something that has gotten me through what I would describe as my toughest moments in life so far. The thought that I could forget about all that had happened and just be in his company soon has often been what gave me the energy to go through with whatever it was that I was facing.
I know this post sounds sappy, and I know it is very different in terms of style with the other stuff I have written on my blog, given that it’s very straightforward and barely twisted in with many words (yeah, I know I do that). But I want this to be just what I said it was- a thank you note and a tribute. I haven’t achieved anything particularly significant in life so far, but whatever little I have in the past four years, I owe to a very large extent to you.